I Don’t Like Spiders and Snakes…

Hello, and welcome to another episode of “This Ain’t WoW”! Those of you over the age of forty may recognize the tag line for this article as the lyrics from the old Jim Stafford song. Even if you are under forty and never heard the song, you may still enjoy the story, so read on! Since very little has been happening within the guild lately, I am left with little else to put in my blog but my own personal stories. I hate to leave all two of my faithful readers with nothing new, so today’s story is about spiders. And my wife, Cheryl (Mrs. Seabrat). That's her on the left. The gross dude on the right is me.


My wife is a truly wonderful woman and I still haven’t figured out why she has stuck with me all these years, as she seems to possess above normal intelligence. She is spirited and adventurous, enjoys camping, fishing, scuba diving and the great outdoors. As a registered nurse working in a critical care unit, she often deals with things that would simply make me pass out. She just has one little phobia… spiders scare the crap out of her. This isn’t a big problem until one surprises her, then watch out! This normally calm and fearless woman begins to resemble an alley cat rubbed down with bacon grease and tossed into a pack of pitbulls.


So I am the designated spider wrangler in our house, which isn’t that bad since we don’t really have many of them around for me to deal with. Those we do have, however, tend to run pretty large. Typically these are wolf spiders, which don’t use webs to trap their prey. Instead they hunt on the move, much like a wolf and hence the name. Apparently, these dudes can live for three years (or more) and approach three to four inches in length.


Over the years I have rescued Cheryl from numerous occasions of impending doom from one of these threatening monsters. Usually this is accomplished using a newspaper or shoe with little drama or fanfare, their corpses scooped up and flushed down the toilet. I can’t simply toss them in the trash, as that would traumatize her even further knowing the creature was still in the house.


Now when I am in a raid with the Red Devils, I usually am focused on the game and Cheryl tolerates that pretty well. But, when spider duty calls I have to respond to her shrieks and deal with the little buggers IMMEDIATELY. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does it’s always at the most inopportune moments. So, that’s just a heads up to my guildies as to what’s going on with Seabrat when he suddenly disappears!


Anyway, the extent of her fear of spiders was always pretty bad, but there was one particular occasion that turned it into full blown arachnophobia. And I remember it well, because it pretty much heeved me out, too! We were watching TV together when a large dark shape came skittering down the wall (that’s how these spiders move… they skitter), onto the floor and headed directly towards Cheryl. Now you have to understand that when it comes to spiders and Cheryl, there are only two directions a spider moves… directly away from her, or right at her. Of course, she spotted it long before it reached the floor and her panic level skyrocketed off the charts once it hit ground level and headed towards the two of us. I mean, she couldn’t really miss it. It was just about the biggest, fattest wolf spider I have ever seen. To her it must have looked like a watermelon with legs!


Fortunately, the spider’s true course was really more towards me and as a result I didn’t even have to get out of my chair (though Cheryl was already standing on hers) to deal with our intruder. Right foot up, right foot down, smoosh… end of story, right?

Except it wasn’t. I heard a shrill scream, a wooshing sound and then the front door slamming shut. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, Cheryl had left the building. I don’t think her feet even touched the floor before she reached the door some 20 feet away. See, as it turns out, that spider was big, but it really wasn’t fat. It was in fact carrying 278,923 baby spiders on its body, of which about 278,900 were now scurrying about the floor! Adult wolf spiders skitter, the babies can only scurry. They can’t train skitter until they reach level 10 and these were definitely level 1 noobs.


I looked down in shock and awe at the ever-widening, dark, circular mass of writhing spiders as they attempted to flee. It really was pretty damn creepy – like something out of a horror film! I realized with sudden dread that I had better do something fast before they scattered too much, or I would soon have to buy a new house! Cheryl would never return to this one if I didn’t fix the problem quickly and completely. I commenced reapplication of both feet in a rapid right/left and up/down fashion. This not only allowed me to quickly annihilate the gathering troops, but also served to dislodge the hundred or so that had scurried up my legs. That second part was highly motivational for me as well and within a few minutes of furious white-boy dancing, I had succeeded in completely decimating their numbers to a few stragglers. These were dealt with individually, after which I surveyed the carnage.

There was a large, dark, roughly circular mass of spider parts and ichor on the floor surrounded by a few smaller specks scattered around the circumference. Thankfully there were no survivors. I checked my legs to make sure I had gotten rid of any potential stealthy surprises, then gathered up a broom, dust pan, spray cleaner and a few paper towels. As I was cleaning up the mess, the phone rang. It was Cheryl calling from the neighbor’s house asking if it was all clear. I told her I was just cleaning up and she could return home safely. This same girl that made it from her chair to the front door in less than 0.001 seconds took nearly five minutes to make the same journey in reverse. She would make one tentative step, then glance around nervously, certain that she would see a wave of spiders heading for her. Finally, she was satisfied that I had indeed secured the premises and returned to her chair.

I returned to my seat and glanced at Cheryl. She was still breathing heavily and visibly trying to relax. I picked up the remote and flipped over to the Animal Planet, one of her favorite channels. I was hoping for a nice show about cats or puppies, or even lions, tigers and bears (oh my). When luck ain’t with you, it just ain’t with you. The screen was immediately filled with the image of an enormous tarantula stalking along a banana leaf!